September 15, 2010

Two years ago today I got on a kayak with my dad. It was a wednesday. It wasn't a new or dangerous outing. It was something we did after every big rain storm passed through Round Rock. It was something we did with little kids. But this time it was just him and I, and for that I'm grateful.

Dad got his work done early, picked up the kayak, and was waiting for me when I got home from school. I got out at 1:30. When I got home I went and stood behind dad who was reading an email from Aunt Karen, she has said that Nana had passed away peacefully that afternoon. Mom, dad and I talked about how we were happy Nana is with grandpa again. We lived on Whitebrush and the house was tiny, my room was just of the office where dad was on the computer. I changed, we left at 2:30 and got to the low water crossing where mom dropped us off and were in our kayak by 3.

The first little bit was uneventful, dad and I talked and laughed and shared memories. Him and I had started walking together that week so for the three nights prior I was able to spend hours with him asking questions about college, his childhood, girls he dated, my childhood, I asked everything and he told me everything I wanted to know. We set goals together, we were going to start running together. I was going to cook healthy meals for us. It was going to be a great new start!

There was a point when we were kayaking when I thought for sure we weren't gonna make it, it was about twenty yards before the round rock and it was a four foot drop straight down. I told him I was scared and that I wanted to walk around. He asked me if I trusted him and told me it was going to be fine. And it was fine because I did trust him. And he knew what he was doing. We made it past the scary part and were back on our path.

There is a park about an hour and a half down the creek that we usually stop at, but we had decided previously that since the water was so high maybe it was time to explore new territory, "we're like Lewis & Clark" he had said "off to discover new worlds" and even though I was scared and my arms hurt, I couldn't bear to ask to stop. He was so excited to be out there. And so excited to spend time with me. I couldn't bear to stop, I had to be brave, for dad.

And so I was. We went farther and farther and it got more and more beautiful. We reached a flat stretch about twenty yards long and he spotted some apartments, the Creek Apartments. He remembered them because that is where he used to pick up Brandon Chavez for mutual, he remembered the low water crossing. And it was really quite beautiful. We were fully encircled by green trees, blue skies and beautiful water.

When we reached the low water crossing, the water was rushing faster that we had realized. Dad told me we had to get out and walk to the other side, since I was in the front, I had to get out first. Our front end it the culvert and dad told me to hurry. He told me I had to get out and he would keep the kayak straight and then I would hop off and steady it while he got off.

I hesitated. I was scared. I didn't know which way to go, where to put my hands.

"I need you to hurry, Darling!" that's what he said. That's the last thing he said. The last thing he needed from me.

Right as I coiled to spring forward a rapid came, swift and from behind. That this point our kayak was nearly parallel to the culvert. The wave took our tail end under. Took my dad under and threw me into the vicious water. I knew I shouldn't bring my head up. Knew there was no room to breathe under the crossing. So I pushed my right hand far out and felt the wall. My hand slid down the wall until it ended and I was shot into the creek. Right in the middle of the rushing rapids.

Twenty feet out. I couldn't get my bearings. I couldn't decide which shoreline was closer. I tried to go one way, then the other, then back to the first way. I knew I just had to get to land. I picked a side, the side with the trees and the hill, I was closer to this side. And I had to find dad. So I went. I swam and kicked, my feet tried to find purchase on the unrelenting floor. It was hard. But I knew it was necessary.

When I reached the shore I pulled myself out, I sat down my paddle I had carried to the side, then I saw the water take it away. I almost went after it, dad told me not to lose the paddle or else we would have had to pay for it. I didn't want him to have to pay for my mistake. But then I realized that I didn't know where he was. I knew he would forgive me for losing the paddle.

I wasn't panicking yet. I knew he was okay. He always was okay. Always. I assumed he was testing me. He must have seen this as the perfect opportunity to test my wilderness survival skills. I was on a mission and I had to prove myself. So I ran through the trees. My legs got torn up by the low branches. My hands had cuts from stabilizing myself on nearby trees. But I had to go.

When I got out of the trees and back onto the low water crossing I started shouting for him "dad! Dad! Daddy! Where are you?!" no response "dad, seriously! Dad!" panicked now "DAD!! DAD!!" I was running back and forth on the bridge. I was panicked and lost and couldn't find my dad. That's when they saw me. There were men working on the Apartments. They ran over to help me.

"my dad! My dad!" I shouted "I don't know where he is! Call 911!!!" The men divided, one of them came to me. As I started toward him I saw it. I saw the kayak, pinned straight up and down, being held there by the force of the current and whatever was under the water.

At that moment I knew he was gone. I knew that this was the only possibility. There was no way he was testing me. There was no way he was farther down the river. He was there. Still in the kayak. Pinned. I ran over and pulled. As hard as I could, I yanked and heaved. The worker told me to stop, he wouldn't help me. I looked at him and with all of the authority I have I shouted "help me, NOW!" I don't know if it clicked for him too or if he was just trying to please the soaking wet, frightened, seventeen year old girl shouting at him. But he came. And with our combined efforts we were able to pull hard enough to release the pressure.

I ran to the other side and saw him face down, his salt and pepper hair, red life jacket, and orange board shorts floating quickly away from me. One of the workers jumped in, but he was too late (and didn't know how to swim) so I ran. Around to the grass past the workers into the trees into the water. I saw him and I was not stopping. Not for the rapids dragging me under or the rocks cutting my legs. I was on a mission. Then the river was too deep. I couldn't touch, I couldn't breathe, I took to the shore line. I ran, I don't know what my plan was, but I couldn't stop.

Adrenaline had replaced blood in my veins, I was ignoring the blood on my legs and the pain all over. I had to keep going because once I stopped it was over. So on I went.

Then there were two police officers telling at me to stop. Telling me it wasn't safe. The larger man took my life jacket. The other made me turn around. I fought him. I wasn't going to give up. I couldn't. I yelled at him that i had to save my dad, i just had to. He told me there was a helicopter in the sky, that they were going to find him and that I needed to call someone, my mom maybe?

My mom. My mom. Where was she. Did she know? Is she okay? She couldn't know, it had only been a half hour since we tipped, max, although it felt like days to me. I had to turn around. For her. I had to be safe, and calm to keep her safe, and her calm. That is why I turned around. That is why I stopped fighting. And stopped yelling. I had to save my strength for my mom. She needed me.

The officer helped me walk back, I was amazed at how far I had ran. Why wasn't I more tired? Why didn't my legs hurt more, they looked like they should hurt but I couldn't feel any pain. I couldn't feel anything. Then Shelia was there. She worked at the apartments. She was checking on the workers and saw me when they did. She had called 911, she informed me, she waited for the officers and she told them where I was. Shelia was very proud of herself, and although she was annoying as all get out, I was grateful for her.

I told Shelia moms number and she dialed "Mrs. Dial? I have your daughter, her and your husband Rodney were in an accident. Yes ma'am your daughter is fine. Your husband is missing, I called 911 and the police are looking for your husband now. Yes ma'am here she is" she handed me the phone.

I don't remember the details of that conversation. I remember mom was on I35 or 183 or 45 or something and I remember trying to sound calm, but mostly I remember mom telling me she felt at peace and that it was going to be okay. She told me she was going to come to me. And that she was going to call bishop Woodfield and Tracey and that she needed to talk to Shelia to find out where I was. So I said goodbye and went back with the officer, he turned on his car and sat me in the back seat. He gave me some water and made sure I was okay.

The next hour was a blur. Shelia kept talking to me. I kept trying to ignore her but still be polite. The police officer asked me questions. President Brown came. And Tracey. And Marcia Brown too. And then mom got there. She was in a maroon shirt and a skirt and I have never been happier to see her. I thought I needed to be strong for her, but I really needed her to make me strong. She was there and kept saying she felt peace. I felt panic and fear but I could tell her that. So I told her I felt peace too (fake it till you make it, right?)

We sat in the back of a car. Then the officer took a call and told us that they had found dads body and are taking him to the round rock hospital. And no they can't tell us anything until they get to the hospital so meet them at the ER. We got in a car, and Marcia drove us to the hospital. I think she broke a lot of traffic laws but I can't be sure. We got there fast. The Lush's were waiting in the waiting room. Brother Lush was our home teacher and he came to support us. Marcia traded me shoes cause my were soaked. Then they moved me and mom and all of our people back to a little waiting room.

Brother Mickelson is a doctor and so he came and told us that this is standard. They can't tell us anything until they have done everything. He went back through ominous looking double doors to find out more.

The next ten minutes we're purgatory. I wanted so badly to hope but knew it was futile. But I still allowed myself to wish. To want. What I wanted, what I would give anything for, was for him to walk through those doors and give me a big hug. But when I saw Brother Mickelson walking behind another doctor I knew that's not what I would hear.

His head hung low he said "I'm so sorry, we did everything we could, please let me know if there anything I can do for you"

I wanted to scream, to yell, to punch. But I couldn't move. I doubled over. And sobbed. For five minutes? Five hours? Who knows. But when I looked up I saw people, lots of people. But in the middle was Bailey. There were tears in her eyes and I knew she was here for me. Michelle was standing by her side with an armful of clothes. She was there for me. And the dozen other people were too.

The assistant came and asked if we would mind moving to the chapel since there were so many of us. I got up. Michelle and B took me to the bathroom, took of my wet bathing suit, I was shivering, I hadn't realized I was so cold, they put clean clothes on me, a sweatshirt and basketball shorts, and guided me to the chapel. I sat with mom as we told all of the siblings. Relived it over and over. Heard them all sob, held the boys, held elyse, we all held each other. The stake presidency gave us blessings. We sat for who knows how long and then decided it was time to leave. To go. But where? To the Laws we decided, to the house dad built.

So we got up, as a family, and walked out the doors and through the hallway full of friends, past the room where they told us, through the ER, and out to moms car.

In that moment. I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I would be able to wake up the next morning. But here I am, two years later, still fighting everyday to live my life to make my dad proud.

And even though I wish I never had made this memory, it is the only one I hope I never forget.